Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
