I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
