I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
