True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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