He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
