where am i from again
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
he high fived his dick after we had sex
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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