we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
