he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
