At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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