how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Randomize
