She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
