you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
