This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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