My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
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