3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
