Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
