at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
