I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Randomize
