may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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