I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
