James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
