I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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