my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
