There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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