The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize