Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
