that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
