Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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