So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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