I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
