She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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