I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
