i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
