508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize