Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
