Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
