If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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