I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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