can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
