Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
