you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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