nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am available for nakedness
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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