I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize