i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
two words...techno handjob
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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