you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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