After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
we made out on top of his cat.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
