I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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