im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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