Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
