fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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