No awkward lesbian experiences without me
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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