Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
