I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
