guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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