The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize