Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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