No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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