i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
