I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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