I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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