Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
